Lila Blue

The Pit

I remember the way your tongue tasted the night we went to the pit

we drunkenly fell into it 

before you said you couldn’t see me again 

so I walked you home 

on the way I quietly reset the bone 

the next morning when I woke my wrist was blue 

but all I could think of was you 

forgive me for wanting more than we’ve been sold

I refuse to be haunted by a life I’m forced to hold 

I am not satisfied by quiet frantic fumbling in the dark 

even as I say this I know I’m not on solid ground 

I don’t know if I am brave enough to live aloud 

and before I do, how dare I ask the same from you 

you used to have me over just to touch my thigh under your family’s dinner table

even then I wasn’t able 

to hide that I was blooming within

as they were washing dishes you would walk me 

quietly up to your bedroom 

the silent things we’d do would ensue

we’d love so lightly it felt like breath

I bit my tongue 'till it bled to keep from asking if you’d like 

to walk out of this dim lit room and hold in my hand in broad daylight 

but every time I opened my mouth you’d gently close it back shut 

as I would leave your family’d preach of just how lovely I seemed

you’d nod and wave all vacant-like and I’d wish I could scream

until every window in your house broke

now you’re mainly memory, just flashes of whispers, skin and sweat 

I am not trying to forget you 

and I am not worried that I will 

because when I dream 

I can see you loudly loving somebody she isn’t me

but it seems like hope has bloomed 

where the breaking was

so I hope you are loved and I hope you are safe 

I hope you haven’t had to keep on hiding behind locked door frames 

I hope you’ve gotten the chance to bask in the light 

I hope you’re not haunted and I hope you are seen 

for the gift I got to witness the gift you were told you couldn’t be 

and if you are not, just know I haven’t forgot